I'm on a packed train and I'm aware that it could be worse. We're not jammed up against people's elbows and armpits. We can breathe. We appreciate that things could have been more unpleasant if we had got the later train, but it's warm and there are no seats and our feet/legs/backs are sore.
Monica is sitting in her pram, making eye contact with people, kicking her feet, stroking the wall.
At the next station, I get off the train to let someone on. I want to be next to the door. I get a rush of fresh breeze.
A guy gets on. He doesn't say thank you.
This guy has long, cotton-dry, brown hair, covering his face like something from the Grudge. Black jacket. I can hear music coming from the direction of his head and I guess he's wearing earplugs.
By the time the doors trundle shut (beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep) he's launched into a power stance and he's playing air guitar. The head's nodding and everything.
I glance at him and I can see that he doesn't give a fuck about me or anyone else.
Monica is staring at him. He is the most interesting thing she has seen for days. She tries to grab his hand, but he's working the non-fret board. I envy her her ability to watch him without feeling embarrassed or afraid of being stabbed.
I look around the carriage. I catch a man's eye and his face crumples, choking down his laughter, swallowing great, broken blocks of it . He doesn't want to get stabbed either.
I notice that this guy's power stance affords him perfect balance in the buffeting carriage. While everyone else is hanging onto walls and poles, the pram, he has his legs spread wide and knees slightly bent and holds on to nothing but the music. He has his eyes closed. He's not even here.
He knows when to get off though. This guy's gig ends a couple of stops later. He takes his invisible guitar and bops off down the platform.
A sense of relief comes over the carriage in his absence, which is sudden and total and not without a corresponding sense of loss.
I suspect that he's not just on something, but that he's onto something too.